it's in the details

He loves carrots dipped in ranch (anything dipped in ranch). He hates having his face wiped and people cutting his food for him. He always--without fail--asks the same two questions every morning when I get him out of his crib, "Where Daddy? Where Maddy is?" He wishes he could live outdoors except that he is really afraid of bugs. He is only a really loud tantrumer in the library (all other tantrums seem to be normal volume). He has his own language of made up words--his binky is called Nana (short for Num Num or Yum Yum), and his blankie is called Gull (short for Snuggle). He has a gap toothy smile. He loves to hit stuff with his BoomBoom (his play hammer). He wants to watch Cars 2 fifty times a day but doesn't like to play with cars all that much. He is our snuggler baby, much snugglier than his sister ever was, but he doesn't want to be snuggled at any other time than when he just wakes up. He loves to shoot Nerf guns, keeps trying to potty train himself, and loves helping me in the kitchen. He is very convinced that he can crack eggs by himself if I would only give him a chance. He unzips zipper footy pajamas and strips them off during the night every.single.time. He had stitches by the time he was a year old. He loves to chase his sister and play hide and seek.

She seems to lose teeth in pairs within days of each other. She loves to bird watch and tries to tell me every bird is a "Spotted Warbler" (a bird mentioned on a Max and Ruby television show). She loves dinosaur museums, non-fiction books, and HORSES (still). She is particular about her clothes now and yet does not understand the concept of matching. She calmly lets me brush and style her hair, but always requests a bun if given the choice. She wants to be in dance class and karate and hates thunder and lightening. She has an infectious adorable giggle that makes us laugh when she finds something really funny. She doesn't like most breakfast foods except bacon and sometimes pancakes. She comes home from school hot and sweaty from running around at the playground hard every day. She LOVES other people--can't get enough of other kids and finds them endlessly entertaining. She is a friend to all (unless you twist her hand, and then all bets are off). She admires my jewelry and has started her own collection of heart shaped necklaces. She loves boxes with locks and miniature keys, ice cream that have bright colors, and used to pronounce flamingos "fallingos." She is very smart and a terrible liar (and thankfully hardly ever even tries to lie as she also happens to be amazingly obedient). She has one of the most tender and sweet hearts of any child I've ever met. She tolerates her little brother, but said for her birthday she would like to send him to ballet class so that she could get a minute to herself.

these are my children in a very tiny nutshell.

no one could know them the way that I do, or love them in quite the same way (although daddy certainly loves them as much as I do), but still, even then it is not in the same exact way. i am here with them day after day, hour after hour. I worry over them almost constantly, like a humming sound in the background of my life that I am almost unaware of and yet can't shake. I worry about their eating habits, their amount of hours slept, whether they have friends or not. I wonder if I am disciplining them enough or too much. I lie awake laughing at something they say. I lie awake crying over something they muttered. I hug them, kiss them, shelter them, get mad at them, run to them when they are hurt and crying. I play the rolls of tough cop, mean mom, jailer, banker, teacher, counselor, and chef. I mess up every single day. And every single day they show me that despite those mess ups, they love me anyhow and are turning out just fine despite it all. my love for them is in the million little things I have learned about them and from them and by having them. it comes from all of those tiny details.

its impossible to really express what being a mother can do to a woman. i wish i could write it better. all I know is it is by far the most difficult thing I have ever done.  i try to remember, when the moments get tough, that though the hours are long, the years are getting shorter. these moments become more and more precious. and if I had it all to do again, I wouldn't hesitate for a moment.

Happy mother's day to all of you. and to my children, i love you.